


The Insatiable Yuki-Onna

by AndrewJTalon



Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M, Female!Haku, Genderbend, Naruto is Screwed, Not Exactly Nonconsensual, Nymphomania, Old School Style Crackfic, Sexual Humor, Stamina Freak Naruto, Terrified Zabuza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:55:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29077452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndrewJTalon/pseuds/AndrewJTalon
Summary: Turns out there's a very good reason Haku was made to think she was a boy: To keep the world safe from death by dehydration. Now she's free, there's only one ninja who can stop her... Fem!Haku, crackfic, one shot. Rated for naughty allusions but not a lemon.
Relationships: Haku/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	The Insatiable Yuki-Onna

A few minutes after Haku left to collect herbs for his wounds, Zabuza had the sudden horrible feeling that he had forgotten something. Something important. What was it?

* * *

"What are you doing here at this time of the morning?" Haku asked the young boy she'd come across. The orange clad lad grinned up at her happily.

"Training! I have to get stronger!" He said.

"So you're a ninja then?" She asked, pausing slightly as she picked up another herb.

"Yeah! So you noticed!" The blond answered.

"Wow, you must be very strong." She said.

"Yeah I am. But Kakashi-sensei says the only thing I'm better than Sasuke at is stamina..." He said, trailing off as he collected more of the plants. That was probably why he didn't notice the sudden tick on the feminine "boy's" head.

* * *

It was strange, now that he thought about it. The last time he was worried like this was when...

Zabuza suddenly shot straight up from the bed, ignoring his injuries as best he could. Didn't stop him from groaning in pain though.

The sudden memory of what happened a year ago flashed through his head. He had thought courtesan training would have been a good idea at the time, perfect for her future life as a ninja. Unfortunately, he had been unaware of just how much her family had... _taken_ to the arts.

Had he known that it had taken an entire town just to keep her mother sated, he probably would have avoided the training at all costs.

When his danger sense first flared, he had checked around town to try and find out what was going on. When he found nothing out of the ordinary, he just ignored it. However as the hours passed, and Haku hadn't returned he got worried, and started searching for her.

It had taken over a week to find out where she had been hiding, and he attempted to rush to the run down shack he was guided to before it was too late. He expected to find Haku in some kind of danger, but was shocked to see no less than fifteen men on the ground dying while groaning in utter bliss and agony. Haku was standing in the background, laughing ominously. He would never forget the look on one of the men's faces as he grabbed his leg and said, "This truly is the best way to go..." as he suddenly died from overexertion mixed with dehydration.

After that, he had to keep her bound as he searched for a way to try and fix her so she wouldn't jump anything in sight, male _or_ female. Luckily he had managed to run into a hypnosis expert in the next town, a man with raven black hair and a dark cloak. After paying a hefty fee, he was able to get her urges removed from her mind. It managed to work overall, even though Haku suddenly thought she was a boy yet still took a liking to wearing very feminine clothing, and had a sudden urge to please him.

However, the young man told him the hypnosis would get weaker over time, and eventually lead to her breaking down, and the pressure of suppressing her urges for so long would only make it worse. Especially if presented with enough stimuli.

Though now that he thought about it, it still bothered Zabuza that the large blue man who stood behind the cloaked man, hiding his face, and never looking at him directly had seemed so _familiar_...

* * *

"ACHOO!" The tall blue man wiped his nose quickly. He glanced around for anyone watching him before he turned back to his partner.

"Did you get them?" The raven haired man asked.

Slowly he passed him the box.

"I had to use the rest of the money that Zabuza gave you though..."

"I'm still shocked he didn't recognize you. You do seem kind of hard to forget."

He shrugged. "You'd be surprised at all the odd people you meet in Mist. Heck, out of all of us Zabuza was the most normal one. I always thought he kinda felt left out because of it. Probably why he filled his teeth and shaved his eyebrows now that I think about it..."

Satisfied the raven haired man opened the box, taking a Pocky bar contained within and began to munch on it pensively.

* * *

Zabuza's sudden feeling of doom could only mean one thing.

Haku was about to explode with over a _year's_ worth of pent up lust.

* * *

"Stamina?" Haku asked, suddenly feeling kind of hot under the collar. The tick in her forehead grew larger as she reached under the collar to let the air in to cool down.

Naruto glanced at her for a second, completely missing the danger signs before he turned back to his work and responded. "Yeah, I don't really know what it means, but I think it has something to do with not getting tired after training for hours."

"Really? Hours you say." She was suddenly feeling warmer, and the tick was growing even larger. She started fanning herself harder. Repressed memories were starting to rise from the deepest corners of her mind. Naturally Naruto missed all of that.

"Yeah, there was this one time I kept going at it for the whole day. I didn't even notice when it was the middle of the night by the time I finished... Nee-san? Are you alright?"

He wasn't even able to react when Haku suddenly jumped him, pulling him through an ice mirror she managed to summon instantly to take them to someplace more secluded.

* * *

Zabuza tried to rise from the bed. He had to do _something!_ If Haku went crazy it would blow their cover, and possibly lead to the death of the whole of Wave country! Just the thought of the dying men, women (and Haku eventually turning on him) forced his muscles to move, his arm reaching out to grab his sword and use it like some kind of crutch. Gingerly he rose from the bed, satisfied that his legs managed to hold him up. He leaned on his sword as he prepared to take a step.

Unfortunately he didn't realize that using a razor sharp blade for support on a wooden surface was an incredibly stupid thing to do. The sword sunk into the wood, tipping him over and causing him to hit his head on the hard floor, knocking him unconscious.

His last thought before blackness took him was quite succinct:

_God save us all...!_

* * *

Sasuke looked around at the empty glade. It was odd, Naruto should have been there, running himself ragged training. He looked behind a few trees before deciding that he probably went into the town, or back to Tazuna's house. Nothing to worry about at all.

After the first day Naruto had vanished, Kakashi started to get worried. To the best of his ability in his weakened state he tried searching for him. Even Sakura was worried, and Inari had practically cried when Kakashi came back without the knuckle headed blond boy.

By the second day most of his wounds had healed, allowing him to cover much more ground in his search. When again he was unable to find any trace of him by the time the day ended, he tried to reassure his teammates that they would be able to find him in the morning.

On the third day, he tried using the summoned dogs to help in the search, as Sakura and Tazuna's family showed up to aid him. Even Sasuke came, though he never gave any outward sign of his being worried for his teammate. Unfortunately they were only able to track him in the glade, before declaring that his scent suddenly vanished. At that point he had to tell his team the bad news.

Naruto was most likely captured by the enemy, and possibly dead.

* * *

When Zabuza regained consciousness the first thing he noticed was that he was mostly healed. This gave him no satisfaction when he noticed the two people in front of him.

"Well, well, well. Sleeping on the job Zabuza. If you think that will..." Gatou was suddenly cut short when Zabuza jumped up, causing him to step back in fear. The mist swordsman strained his hearing. Did he just hear the door open?

"What do you think you're..." Gatou started, his two thugs gripping their swords tightly.

" _Quiet_!" He commanded. "She may be here..."

They all remained quite at his command, and each strained their hearing. They could just barely make out a faint sound, like light footsteps and the sound of something heavy being dragged across the floor just below them. Then suddenly a perky voice sounded from the floor below.

" _Zabuza-sama_!" The heart was distinctly heard at the end of the sentence.

"Oh God." Zabuza managed to choke out.

* * *

When Naruto returned to Tazuna's house after four days of absence, the relief was obvious for everyone. Before the beatings and the questions could begin, everyone noticed Naruto's appearance. His clothes were rags, and he was covered in grass stains, mud, and various other pieces of nature, as though he ran full speed through the woods trying to escape something horrible. By the time everyone managed to compose themselves to ask the first questions, Naruto rushed to the shower, completely ignoring the fact that Tsunami was already in there. He had then proceeded to cleanse himself in every way imaginable while the older woman shrieked.

It wasn't until they managed to calm down a hysterical Tsunami (who managed to grab a towel before being booted out) that Naruto came out. He was perfectly clean, and somehow managed to pull out a completely new orange tracksuit from nowhere.

He then proceeded to his room, where he sat on the bed with kind of a dazed expression. His team went into the room, trying to strike up a conversation, but he didn't really move or respond at all. Finally Kakashi had enough, and sent Sakura and Sasuke out of the room, and at the same time managed to convince a sobbing Inari, who was in tears as he hugged Naruto and apologized profusely for the way he acted, to leave them alone.

Finally Kakashi turned to Naruto and asked the most important question he could think of at the moment.

"Naruto? What happened?"

Naruto turned to look at Kakashi with dazed eyes, a stunned look on his face.

"Kakashi-sensei..."

There was a long pause as they looked at each other. Kakashi in the meantime pulled out his little orange book as he waited for Naruto to compose himself enough to speak. Finally after a while, Naruto said what needed to be said.

"I think I've been violated."

Kakashi looked at Naruto for a moment, then at his book. After interchanging for a bit, he closed the book and put it back in his pouch, wisely deciding that Naruto's story would be far more interesting than whatever would happen in the story.

* * *

Zabuza didn't waste a second. Using strength he didn't know he currently had, he grabbed Gatou and his two flunkies, as no one deserved that kind of death, especially them, jumped out the window and started running for it.

It wasn't long before he heard sounds of a pursuit, so, thinking quickly, he attempted to find a place to hide.

_How is she keeping track of where I'm going?!_ he suddenly thought in fear. He looked down to notice the screams of terror of the three men he was carrying. _Oh._

Out of options, he finally resolved to try to climb up a tree and pray she didn't find them.

It wasn't long before he found a tree big enough to have a hidden notch that was roughly the size of a small bathroom. They were in the deep woods after all. It was cramped but hard to find, which was what mattered.

Zabuza punched each of the three men as best he could in the cramped conditions.

"Shut up!" He hissed. "If she finds us, we're _screwed_."

They waited in silence, dreading every tiny noise made in the surrounding environment. A leaf being stepped on here, a twig snapping there. After a few moment, there was finally the sound of something coming up the tree. They waited with bated breath, as the sounds got closer and closer. Whoever it was was climbing slowly, making the tiniest noises possible. Zabuza suddenly regretted not taking his sword when he jumped through the window, and the two Samurai were having trouble trying to stop from pissing themselves. Unfortunately Gatou didn't have the same restraint, they both thought disgustedly. The noises drifted for a second, allowing them to catch their breath, and then came back again.

Finally, whatever it was drew right to the opening of the notch of the tree.

They almost laughed when a squirrel popped his head in the opening.

"Oh thank god, it's just..." began one of the swordsmen.

Then the squirrel jumped away as Haku landed on the branch in front of them.

"There you are Zabuza-sama!" She said, the heart at the end of the sentence implied.

It took them a few moments before they stopped screaming long enough to notice the thoroughly roughed up kid dressed in orange that she was carrying, and the very satisfied smile on her face.

Finally calming down, they each tried to process the scene in their minds.

"Err... Haku... What happened?" Zabuza asked.

"Oh, Naruto-kun and I took the last four days getting to know each other." She snuggled against the ragged kid after she finished talking.

Zabuza looked at the kid, who, though dazed, was considerably less dead than he would have suspected after four days. Then he glanced at Haku, who looked as though she had great trouble standing up straight. Gatou and his two thugs looked at the boy with what had to have been awe, and a little respect.

"And... he... survived...?"

"Oh he did a lot more than that..." She said suggestively, tracing lazy circles around his chest. "Can we keep him?"

"YES!" Zabuza said instantly, not wanting to either anger the sex crazed girl, or deny the one thing that seemed to satisfy her. Both the samurai and Gatou nodded quickly, lacking the ability to talk properly in cramped quarters.

Unfortunately at his exclamation, she glomped the poor boy, causing him to fall to the ground. Upon impact, he burst into smoke.

Zabuza shivered in fear as the killing intent from the girl rose, her eyes narrowing as her smile grew.

"Oh, now that won't do." She said, using the tone of a hunter. "You won't escape _that_ easily, Naruto-kun..."

* * *

"And then, when I woke up, I ran up the cliff to escape after leaving a Kage Bunshin before she woke up." Naruto said, finally finishing all four days of capture in detail.

Kakashi looked at him, not knowing whether to hug the boy in perverted glee, clean up the massive puddle of his blood on the floor, or try and give the boy some good advice about those kinds of situations from an adult perspective.

When he suggested Naruto describe everything in complete detail after he tried to pass over the four days after he was taken, he thought he could get away with taking notes. However, it turned out to be pointless as the blood from his nosebleeds pretty much destroyed all of his paper. He contented himself with remembering everything, and resolved to write the whole thing in a letter to the author of Icha Icha Paradise later.

Possibly several copies too, since there was no way to survive that kind of story of a complete four days of sex crazed torture without a nosebleed.

Still, he had to remember that one. Who knew Kage Bunshins could be so useful?

"Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked worriedly. Kakashi's head sprang back from his thoughts, as he looked at the boy pensively.

Poking his fingers together in nervous habit, Naruto attempted to work up the courage to ask the question that worried him the most.

"Do you think..."

"What Naruto?" Kakashi asked calmly, his face on his palm as he waited for him to complete his question.

"Do you think... I'm going to have a baby?"

As Kakashi tried desperately not to laugh, he considered just how to answer. He could either tell the boy the truth, or mess with him.

After a few minutes of looking at him seriously, he finally decided to go with what his heart decided.

"Naruto, I won't lie to you..." Kakashi said calmly, as he prepared his answer. "It's a possibility."

Who ever said Kakashi didn't like to mess with people?

As Naruto looked at his stomach in horror, he suddenly paused. Then his nose exploded in blood as he fell backwards on the bed.

_Hmm... looks like the girl wanted to play with the Kage Bunshin for a bit,_ Kakashi thought. He cleaned his nose and replaced his mask at an inhuman speed, then exited the room, taking good care to step over the blood soaked bodies of everyone else in the house who had attempted to listen to what happened to Naruto.

_Luckily he probably won't meet with her again..._ He thought calmly.

After all, how was he to know the girl would track him down to the ends of the earth?

* * *

_This was written by somone else a long time ago on a long defunct forum. I just fixed it up a bit. If you wrote it, you'll be credited for this. I just didn't want it to languish in obscurity._


End file.
